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August 08, 2023 - communication conversation dialog discourse analysis feeling heard holding space read receipt
Brief essays on communication #3 Version 1.2, fewer points more words
In dialog, most of what we want of each other is many one-sided acts of consensual sharing. For example, “Guess what I did today? Ran my first 5k without walking.” What follows is a description of how to listen, and some tips for how to keep talking with bad listeners.
You tell me how you are doing and I listen. This is a sharing act. When you’re sharing, the goal is not for me to take it and run, but to recognize the significance of what you’re sharing. My response, if successful, is to let you know that I hear what you say. I might say something like, “I see.” This is a minimal read receipt.
A bot could accomplish that, and perhaps you’re expecting more of me. Even better would be to put the read receipt specifically on the key themes of what you said. “Congrats, I know that’s not easy. I had to walk at least a mile of the last 5k I ran.”
I seem to understand what you’re talking about. Now you are friends with slightly more than a bot.
I don’t stop there. “I know you’ve struggled with exercising regularly. I’ve been there. I used to not be able to jog for more than a half mile before quitting. I thought I was worthless. Look at you now! You did it!”
Even if we suppose everything I’ve said is on point, I’ve made the conversation more about me. What’s wrong with that? When someone else starts a conversation that I agree to, I am not just agreeing to a topic. I am agreeing to a topic you found relevant now.
So let me try again. Ideally, I will summarize with some insight, but briefly. I will contrast what I understand with my curiosity. I directly engage your choice to talk with me. Even if the topic is a dance to my favorite song, it’s your song this time.
“I definitely know the struggle of needing to walk in the middle of a run, but you put it to the test in a 5k! Wow, how did it go?”
This is typically the kind of instruction for “how to be a better listener,” and addresses an all-too-common experience.
Nine times out of ten, however, this business of “Ugh, he wasn’t listening to me” is not a song we bad listeners are interested in dancing to. So, here’s a tango for the emotionally intelligent to practice, in the meantime.
Topic for Another Time
Oops, I said too much. You may find my perspective interesting in its own right, or selfish, or offensive, but don’t forget that you chose to share with me, and I’m here with you. We are already honoring each other. Save me the lecture on how you wanted me to dance to your song.
The appropriate response to a read receipt is to continue or develop what you are saying. Your biggest responsibility is to keep dancing. If I’m missing a critical step, find a different way to lead that helps me discover it. If it isn’t the reason you wanted to dance (share), ignore it.
Do not deflect my comments or give me suggestions on how I could say my part differently. Do not give me suggestions on how to be in your shoes. These are distracting from what you originally wanted to talk about.
Now, let’s suppose you found something I said interesting. This is where it is critical to remember that what I said was a read-receipt. It’s inappropriate to ask me to lead a song in the middle of a song you’re leading. In a non-distracting way, probably later, you could let me know you’d enjoy if I led a song.
Maybe what you’d like is for a conversation we both want; a game that both of us want to play equally, but I’m not interested in talking about that right now.
Let me know when you’ve read my message.